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Consulting Humor
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Like every profession, consulting has a rich tradition of humor. Some of it is self-promoting, much of it self-deprecating. If you are a consultant, you have heard, and probably told, most of theses jokes. We are collecting "best in class" consulting humor. Please contribute jokes, cartoons, videos and other ways to let us laugh about our profession - and ourselves.

 

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Top tags: consultant  humor  brand management  cartoon  ethics  fees  Funny  jargon  napping  presentation humor  values 

A Surrealistic Mega-analysis of Redisorganization Theories (real research)

Posted By Mark Haas CMC FIMC, Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Never forget that there is another world (the "real" world?) that exists outside of consulting and they sometimes do actual research on consulting. Here is an abstract of research published in the Journal of the Royal Society of Medicine consulting, with some presumably unflattering things to say about marketing, sales and delivery of consulting services.


Authors: Andrew D Oxman, Researcher, Norwegian Centre for Health Services Research, Oslo, Norway; David L Sackett, Director, Trout Research and Education Center, Markdale, Ontario, Canada; Iain Chalmers, Editor, James Lind Library, Oxford, UK; and Trine E Prescott, Physician, Medical Genetics, Rikshospitalet University Hospital, Oslo, Norway

Correspondence to: Andy Oxman, Norwegian Centre for Health Services Research Pb 7004, St Olavs Plass, 0130 Oslo, Norway, E-mail: oxman@online.no

Background We are sick and tired of being redisorganized.

Objective: To systematically review the empirical evidence for organizational theories and repeated reorganizations.

Methods: We did not find anything worth reading, other than Dilbert, so we fantasized. Unfortunately, our fantasies may well resemble many people's realities. We are sorry about this, but it is not our fault.

Results: We discovered many reasons for repeated reorganizations, the most common being ‘no good reason’. We estimated that trillions of dollars are being spent on strategic and organizational planning activities each year, thus providing lots of good reasons for hundreds of thousands of people, including us, to get into the business. New leaders who are intoxicated with the prospect of change further fuel perpetual cycles of redisorganization. We identified eight indicators of successful redisorganizations, including large consultancy fees paid to friends and relatives.

Conclusions: We propose the establishment of ethics committees to review all future redisorganization proposals in order to put a stop to uncontrolled, unplanned experimentation inflicted on providers and users of the health services.

Download the full article (it is really funny).

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Turnabout is Fair Play (Can't Make Fun Only of Consultants)

Posted By Mark Haas CMC FIMC, Saturday, April 11, 2009

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They Say Much of Humor is Borne of Pain . . .

Posted By Mark Haas CMC FIMC, Saturday, April 11, 2009

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Living in Consulting Paradise

Posted By Mark Haas CMC FIMC, Friday, March 13, 2009
Updated: Friday, March 13, 2009


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Be Sure You Can Take Your Own Advice

Posted By Mark Haas CMC FIMC, Friday, March 13, 2009
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "Don't try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the fridge, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, "You're wasting too much time. Why don't you try carrying several things at once?"

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten."

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It's All in How You Look At It

Posted By Mark Haas CMC FIMC, Friday, March 13, 2009
There was a glass of water on the table...

One man says, "It's half full". He is an optimist.
Second man says, "It's half empty". He is a pessimist.
Third man says, "It's twice too big". He is a management consultant.

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Stop Monkeying Around

Posted By Mark Haas CMC FIMC, Friday, March 13, 2009
A man walks into a pet store looking to buy a monkey. The proprietor takes him to the back of the store and shows him three identical looking, well cared for and content monkeys each housed in spacious, animal friendly environments. "This one costs $600," says the owner.
 
"Why so much?" asks the customer.
 
"Because it can sing and play the Banjo" answers the owner.
 
The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, "That one costs $1,200, because it can talk, translate 20 languages and mix cocktails."
 
The man is astonished and asks about the third monkey. "That one costs $4,000," answers the proprietor.
 
"4,000 dollars!" exclaims the man. "What can that one do?" To which the owner replies, "To be frank, I've never seen it do anything, but it calls itself a consultant."

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This is The Way We Do Things

Posted By Mark Haas CMC FIMC, Friday, March 13, 2009
A man walked into a management consultant's office and inquired about the rates for undertaking an assignment.
 
"Well, typically we scope, structure and plan the assignment in advance, and charge $50,000 (plus sales tax and expenses) for three questions", replied the consultant.
 
"Isn't that ridiculously expensive?" asked the man.
 
"Yes," the consultant replied, "and what was your third question?"

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The Consultant and the Frog

Posted By Mark Haas CMC FIMC, Tuesday, February 24, 2009
A guy was walking through the forest one day when a frog called out to him from the side of the path...

It said "If you kiss me, I'll turn into an enchanting, beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog, put it in his pocket and continued with his walk.

The frog chimed up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into an enchanting and beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The guy stopped, took the frog out of his pocket, smiled fondly at it, returned it to his pocket and resumed his walk.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into an enchanting, beautiful princess, I will stay with you and you can do anything you want with me." Again the guy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asks in exasperation, "What the hell is wrong with you? I've told you I'm an enchanting, beautiful princess; that I'll stay with you and let you do anything you want with me. Why won't you kiss me?"

The guy said, "Look, I'm a consultant. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog – How Cool is THAT!! "

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Consulting Ethics

Posted By Mark Haas CMC FIMC, Tuesday, February 24, 2009
The Devil tells a Consultant, "OK, I can make you richer, more successful and more famous than any Consultant alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest Consultant that ever walked the planet."

"Great" says the Consultant, "What do I have to do in return?"

The Devil smiles, "Well, of course you have to give me your soul," he says, "but you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children's children and, just for good measure, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity."

"Wait a minute," the Consultant says cautiously, "What's the catch?"

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A Consultant's Priorities

Posted By Mark Haas CMC FIMC, Tuesday, February 24, 2009
A lawyer, a doctor and a management consultant were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.

The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want to divorce, there are a number of complex legal problems to resolve and it will probably be very expensive."

The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security and well being lowers your stress and your blood pressure and is good for your health."

The management consultant says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when your wife thinks you're with your mistress, and your mistress thinks you're with your wife -- you can go to the office and get some work done. (This joke works regardless of gender)

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Scott Adams on Consultants

Posted By Mark Haas CMC FIMC, Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.

- Scott Adams (creator of Dilbert)

 

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Top Ten Ways To Know You're Dating/Married To a Consultant

Posted By Mark Haas CMC FIMC, Saturday, January 31, 2009
1. Referred to the first month of your relationship as a "diagnostic period".
2. Talks to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.
3. Takes a half day at the office because, "Sunday is your day."
4. Congratulates your parents for successful value creation.
5. Tries to call room service from the bedroom.
6. Ends any argument by saying, "let's talk about this off-line."
7. Celebrates anniversary by conducting a performance review.
8. Can't be trusted with the car-too accustomed to beating up rentals.
9. Valentine's Day card has bullet points.
0. Refers to lovemaking as a "win-win".

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Classic Ad from UPS About Consultants

Posted By Mark Haas CMC FIMC, Saturday, January 31, 2009
Updated: Saturday, January 31, 2009

Can you actually deliver what you propose?

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You know it is time to get out of consulting when...

Posted By Mark Haas CMC FIMC, Saturday, January 31, 2009

You know it is time to get out of consulting when...

  • You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.
  • You decide to re-org your family into a "team-based organization."
  • You refer to dating as test marketing.
  • You can spell "paradigm."
  • You actually know what a paradigm is.
  • You understand your airline's fare structure.
  • You write executive summaries on your love letters.
  • You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page paper with six other people you don't know.
  • You believe every company is "a traditional functional organization, with promotion based on tenure, but one that needs to change as it is facing ever increasing competition..."
  • You believe that a company's problems are never caused by an "ineffective handling of an administrative situation."
  • You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities."
  • You know every single piece of clip art in PowerPoint.
  • You calculate your own personal cost of capital.
  • You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt."
  • You ask your bank manager if she has heard of "Modigliani-Miller," and then you ask her if she has a pizza so you can show her.
  • You can explain to somebody the difference between "re-engineering," "down-sizing," "right-sizing," and "firing people's asses."
  • You actually believe your explanations of the above.
  • You start doing your kid's math equations in reverse Polish notation.
  • You enjoy using an HP-12C.
  • You refer to your previous life as "my sunk cost."
  • Your three meals a day are a morning consumption function, a noontime consumption function, and an evening consumption function.
  • You refer to your significant other as "my co-CEO."
  • Your favorite stories begin "Bob Jones, VP of marketing, sat at his desk and stared out his window..."
  • You like both types of sandwiches: ham and turkey.
  • You believe CAPM is just as important as the Theory of Relativity.
  • You believe CAPM.
  • You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss.
  • You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend.
  • You refer to divorce as "divestiture."
  • Your favorite artist is the one who does the dot drawings for the Wall Street Journal.
  • None of your favorite publications have cartoons.
  • You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an expense.
  • You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child.
  • At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting about their brand equity.
  • You always call your mechanic before you start your car to see if it will blow up given the day's weather conditions....and expect him to use a decision tree to work it out.
  • You've decided the only way to afford a house is to call your fellow alumni and offer to name a room after them, if they'll help with the down payment.
  • Your "deliverable" for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid bills
  • You use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing.
  • You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a whiteboard and Internet connection.
  • You give constructive feedback to your dog

An old list but with a few new entries from Tom Antion & Associates.


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